Trying to be a creative

Cortez is laying with me as I write this. He loves computer time. His head is in my way.

I'm having a hard time with being a creative. I'm too tired to think about this post so I'll continue when it's not 1 am.

It is now the 2nd of August and I'm gonna try and type this more.

I've lost a creative and curious part of myself in the last few years. I used to play music, I used to make art, I used to be try and learn. I have so many interests. But I've been through a lot of grief and financial unfomfortability and frankly I'm burnt the fuck out.

I'm really yearning to get that part of me back. There's a few creative people I see on BlueSky (the only social media that I'm really engaging with currently because everything SUX) that are inspiring me. The particular type that I've always admired is the Artist and Programmer. A kind of nerd that can do it all (specifically the Composer and Game Dev, gawd that's cool). I've always aspired to be that but could never pull it off. I'm okay with the art part but never got that much into programming. Maybe web dev is more my area. (I got this stupid website, after all) Whatever.

This is sorta aimless. What's the point of what I'm saying? Not really sure! I think I'm just kinda lookin at me right now and processing. I'm lost so I don't have anything concrete. Anyway!

Well. I have a big gap in my "soul" and I'm trying to get it back. But how? Music is a big loss. But what do I want to make? I don't feel like I have much of an interest in guitar right now. I love bass but my bass sucks. My e-drums have been chewed up by my cat so I gotta repair that first. I'm still practicing piano sometimes. I've lost much interest in music composition in the classical sense. The thing that I'm drawn to right now is electronic music. Not sure in what capacity. I'm not sure how to do it. I'm not sure the methods. I don't listen to a lot of electronic music. I'm trying to learn Ableton Live right now. Let's see what that might inspire in me. I've been listening to Vektroid's recent work and that's getting me interested in sampling. Again, no idea what I want to do. But I want to learn the tools and poke around and see what sounds cool. I think I'm mostly interested in exploring sound. Sound and rhythm as concepts. Timbre. How different timbres and notes and rhythms interact. Maybe get out of the idea of tempo and harmony that we know. I want to experiment. Not the only direction I want, of course. Maybe I want to compose in a differnet environment. No orchestral instrumentation. It's 1am right now I'm stream of consciousness posting.

So besides that. I'm trying to get back into learning things. I've been digging into The Odin Project, a sort of course on web development. Web dev has always been an interest of mine, looking back twenty years. I've never been good at learning stuff, so I've never got past your basic CSS stuff. I've had a bunch of websites over the years. I've dug in to learning and drop off, then forget everything and try again a few years later. This current attempt has more guidance, thanks to The Odin Project. I like it. I hope I see it through to the end.

This past week I've been back into learning Japanese. Another thing I've started a million times then dropped off from. Now, that one, it's hard to learn language when there's no purpose or anyone to speak to. Sure, I went to Japan, but I was so busy with school that I found it hard to keep up learning so I arrived there very unprepared. Well, it was fine. Literally navigated the transit system and got a tattoo in Tokyo with no assistance so, success. But damn it woulda been nice to be able to converse at least a little. I'm using Mango Languages this time. It's provided free through my library. There's a handsfree mode so I can listen to lessons while doing other stuff. Being able to listen and speak with no interacting with my phone has been great. Clocked in like five hours This past week that I wouldn't have got otherwise. I have no reason to learn this other than I Think It's Cool. And hopefully I can go back to Japan some day.

Oh there's so much else I want to do. I want to learn 3D modeling. I want to draw. I want to animate. I want to code. I want to make a game. Gosh, weird thing about this all is that I have no ideas. I love the work but I have no path. I want to make a game? I have no ideas for a game. But I want to learn the skills and work on one. I want to animate? I got no ideas for a cartoon. I just want to learn how to make one and put in the work. I love to edit video, but I have no video to edit. Creativity gone. Dead. Imagination absent.

Well, I have been streaming on Twitch regularly for a few months. I've made it as a Twitch Affiliate! I thought that might come with some channel growth but honestly it's been very stagnant. Don't know how to bring people in. I thought this could be a way to get a tiny bit of supplimental income. It's practically negligable though. Oh well. It's become a fun new way to hang with my friends though, and that's pretty cool. It's sort of a tiny creative outlet for me, I get to work in OBS and make graphics and edit audio and mess with cameras and I got a green screen and it's been cool.

I don't remember my original intention for this post, it really got away from me. Oh well! Here's a little insight to what's going on in my stupid lil brain. It is 1:41am on August 5th.